The Extremely Drunken Covenant Parody
by Kos-Mos607
Summary: Another movie parody made by your favorite drunken girls
1. Chapter 1

Yeah I'm back. I finally got a letter of apology from this damn site for deleting my stories but that doesn't mean I've forgiven them.

Anyway, I did a parody for the Eragon movie a while back and a lot of peopled loved it and kept asking for me to do other movies. I've been pondering this one for a long time so I decided I'd get my partner in crime Silverfox02 drunk and we'd do a Covenant parody. Hope y'all enjoy.

**Part 1**

_Kos-Mos607's apartment, 2:34 pm._

**Silverfox02:** Bor-ring!

**Kos-Mos607:** (Rolls eyes behind laptop screen) Then find something to do genius

**Silverfox:** Like what?

**Kos-Mos:** Gee I don't know, you're sitting in front of the TV, find something to watch blonde

**Silverfox: **Bitch. Fine I'll put a movie on, (Digs through Kos's movie shelves) damn girl you can put Blockbuster out of business

**Kos-Mos:** The local one probably, Bodey go away! (Shoves dog away from laptop.)

**Bodey: **Bark, bark (I'm the center of your world, pet me dammit!)

**Kos-Mos:** Fine dog, you win (shoves laptop away and pets the ungrateful black lab.)

**SF:** (Knee deep in movies) How about Georgia Rule again?

**KM:** _Hell_ no, you've already made me watch it five thousand times

**SF:** But I thought you liked Garrett?

**KM:** I do but I'm tired of that movie!

**SF:** (pouts) Fine, let's see if I can't find anything else in the mini shrine to Robert Rodriguez

**KM:** (Glare) Excuse me for liking the man's style

**SF:** As if that's all you like about him, (cough) still think he should've directed Eragon?

**KM:** Yes, that movie would've kicked ass if he was at the helm. It couldn't have been worse then Stefen Fangmeier's attempt. That was just sad

**SF:** (Digs through movie pile) Oh I know, how about The Covenant?

**Bodey:** Bark (Nooooooo!)

**KM:** (Shrugs) Sure, I need some new material for my fic

**SF:** (Pauses) Since when do you slash that movie?

**KM:** Since last year

**SF:** Really, where the hell have I been?

**KM:** Where you always are, AMA land

**SF:** Oh yeah, riiiiight. (Puts movie in)

**Bodey:** Whine, growl (Screw you guys, I'm going back to sleep before the squealing begins.)

**SF:** (Reads the back) Oh I remember this one; you only drug me to it 500 times

**KM:** Didn't hear any complaints

**SF:** 'Cause there was none. Bunch of hot guys, who's gonna complain?

**KM:** My point exactly (Moves to the couch with laptop)

**SF:** (Slams laptop closed.) Work on that crap in class like you normally do

**KM:** Bitch

**SF:** I'm the queen of 'em, thank you

_The movie starts, the opening credits roll and 'More Human Then Human' fills the room._

**SF:** Wow, Rob Zombie before he hit his prime

**KM:** That's a bit harsh

**Rob Zombie:** Bitch

**KM:** I got this Rob (Smack)

**SF:** Ow!

**Rob Zombie:** I thank you (Runs off to make new movies)

**KM:** Wait, can you get me Robert Rodriguez's number?

**Rob Zombie:** No!

**KM:** (Cries)

**SF:** (Pats) there, there. Look at the barely legal booty on the TV screen.

**KM:** Ooooh. Okay, cheered up.

**SF:** That's my girl.

**KM:** Wait a minute, something's wrong with this picture.

**SF:** What?

**KM:** (Leaves and comes back with a full case of Mike's Hard Lemonade) THIS!

**SF:** 'Atta girl! Let the madness begin!

--------------------------

The start of this chapter was an ACTUAL conversation that took place about a week ago and we decided to put it in here. I know, we're weird.

...And yes, I wanna marry Robert Rodriguez.


	2. Chapter 2

I'll get around to updating TCR eventually but until then... enjoy.

**Part 2**

**Reid:** S'up boys

**Caleb, Pogue and Tyler:** S'up

**KM:** Wow, where were those boys when we went to school?

**SF:** Tell me about it

**Tyler:** Where were you? I was getting lonely?

_Caleb and Pogue blink confused._

**Tyler: **(Clears throat) I mean, I stopped by to give you a lift.

**KM:** Good save there sugar

**Reid:** Had things to do (Eyes Tyler up and down.)

**SF:** By 'Things' he means boinking 'Blue Eyes' over there I'm sure

**Reid:** (Glare) Anyway, how's the party?

**Pogue:** Don't know, we were just told to stand here while they get the shot for the movie poster

**Reid:** (Stands pretty for a moment.) Well hell boys, let's drop in

_Reid drops dramatically off the cliff and disappears into the thick shadows_

**Caleb:** Finally, one less pain in my ass

**Pogue:** Uh, he landed perfectly on his own feet

**Caleb:** Dammit

**Caleb/Reid shippers:** Hey…

**KM: **Where the bloody hell did y'all come from?

**Caleb/ Reid shippers**: We come with the DVD, duh.

**KM:** (Blinks) Well fine, but I anit sharing the beer.

**Caleb/ Reid shippers**: Don't care; we're all under age anyway.

**Sons of Ipswich:** May we continue here?

**KM:** Sorry boys, carry on

**Tyler:** Shit yeah (Also jumps off the cliff)

**Caleb:** Tyler!

**Pogue:** Come on Caleb, when all of your friend's jump off a cliff you're suppose to fallow

_Pogue also jumps off the cliff and Caleb reluctantly fallows. Cool CGI graphics entertain the audience for a few moments._

**KM and SF:** Oooooh

**Renny Harlin:** I have all of you fangirls under my thumb hahahaha!

**KM:** Nice try honey, you anit Robert Rodriguez

**SF: **Or Eli Roth

**Renny Harlin:** Just you wait, it's a loooong movie

**KM:** Can we get back to teh boyz please.

**Sons of Ipswich:** Yeah!

**Renny Harlin:** Fine

_The sons approach a barley legal and more then likely college party at 'The Dells'. During this time, the audience gets introduced to several key characters_

**Chase:** I'm inconspicuous

**Aaron:** I have my own show now bitches! Start slashing me already!

**Sarah:** I'm only here to give the small handful of men in the audience something to look at while their women eye-fuck the boys.

**Kate:** Don't hate me 'cause you anit me

**KM:** And people wonder why I write slash

**SF:** Amen to that

**Sarah:** So give me to scoop, who's here?

**Kate:** Okay, first thing you need to know is the large groups of girls over there are called "Mary Sues". All of them at like Reid, have 40DD boobs with a size 3 waste and have powers like the Sons even though there ARE NO girls in the bloodline. The larger groups of girls over there are called 'Slash fans'. They're good writers, just a little testy.

**KM:** Kiss my drunken ass bitch!

**Kate:** See. And the cute boy lurking in the corners over there is…

**Chase:** Don't mind me; I'm just your average new guy. Yep, nothing magical or special about me… (Looks around)

**KM and SF:** (Blinks) okay…

**Kate:** And that's Aaron Abbot over there. He's always described as a prick and everyone loves to pick on him but he hopes the slashers with cut him some slack one of these days

**Aaron:** Use me! I'm not getting any younger over here!

**Kate:** And they are—

**KM: **The hottest boys in all of fan fiction

**SF:** Second only to the AMA

**Kate:** The sons of Ipswich

_The Sons enter the party gracefully, the wind catching their figures perfectly and the soft fog illuminating their pale skins…_

**SF:** Oi, you're not writing slash here Kos, get on with it

**Monty Python god: **Yes, get on with it!

**KM: **(Glare)

_Anyway, the sons enter the party…_

**Random male groupie:** Yo Caleb, I love you. Fuck me, marry me, I wanna have your kids!

**SF:** You know you're popular when you have fanboys

**Kate:** Baby!

**Pogue:** Back off, I still have that restraining order!

**Kate:** You're so funny.

**Pogue:** (God I wish I could bang Caleb right now.)

**KM:** Wish granted. (Opens laptop)

**SF:** Wish denied (Closes laptop) at least for the moment anyway.

**Pogue:** (Pouts)

**Kate:** Anyway Sarah, this is Pogue, Tyler, Reid—

**Reid:** Like I need an introduction from your skanky ass. Reid's the name and getting fucked is my game, wither it be by Tyler, the rest of the boys or the Sues.

**SF:** Nice to know he keeps his options open

**Caleb:** Caleb Danvers and unfortunately I'm the one the screenwriters picked to end up with you. Lucky me.

**Renny Harlin:** Needed to have a ligament reason for you to be EMO kid.

**Sarah: **And what about me, don't I count?

**Renny Harlin:** No comment

**Sarah:** (Pouts)

**KM:** (Snort)

**Caleb:** Anywho—

**Aaron:** Hello boys

**Sons of Ipswich:** (Groan)

**Caleb:** Not now Aaron

**Aaron:** Dude, why haven't you returned my calls, I can be a son. I already have powers

**All:** (Long silence)

**Aaron:** Well I do, watch Blood Ties. Besides I can't be any worse then all of the Mary Sues running around here

**KM:** He's got a point

**SF:** Aye

**Renny Harlin:** No, five is enough

**All:** Five?

**Chase:** (Whistles and looks around innocently)

**Renny Harlin:** Um, I mean four! Yeah, the four sons…

**All:** Um, okay.

**Boys:** Yo the 5-O is on the way. Hide the keg!

**KM:** I have a place for it! Hide it here!

**SF:** Uh, yeah. We'll keep it safe

_The students all depart and run for their cars while Kos-Mos and Silverfox make off with the keg._

**KM:** Don't you just love High School raves?

**SF:** Oh yeah, found memories. Most of them about drinking

**KM:** Well then, let's put the keg to good use and remember some of those fond moments

**SF:** Good plan

----------------------

Don't worry, I'll put the keg to goooooood use.


	3. Chapter 3

Sorry for the wait, TCR kinda runs my life right now…well that and Lair. Damn you Factor Five creators.

And once again, the opening was an actual conversation that took place. Funny how real life stuff can be much funnier then anything you can make up.

**Part 3**

_Kos-Mos's apartment, 10:30 am_

**SF:** (Annoyed groan) we have a job to do you know, mind getting off that game and giving me a hand at finishing this before you're fans riot?

**KM:** (Doesn't look away from video game) Yer doing fine without me, besides I have solders to kill and dragons to slay

**SF:** And you have slash to write!

**KM:** It'll get done when it gets done okay. Die Mokai soldiers!

**SF:** Oh for crying out loud (Gets up and unplugs PS3)

**KM: **What the fuck? I was winning

**SF:** And now you're working, get on the couch!

**KM:** (Grumbles) Bitch

**SF:** Why thank you, now get to work with the funny stuff

_The movie is soon turned back on and the many teenagers are running from the beach to their cars._

**Pogue:** So do you need a lift Kate?

**Kate:** No, Sarah drove us out here so I'm just gonna go back to the room and crash

**Pogue:** Thank god, now I have the entire evening to screw around with Caleb

**Kate:** Did you say something?

**Pogue:** No

**Chase:** (In a seductive voice to Caleb) I could use a ride

**Sarah:** Okay

**Chase:** Not from you!

**Caleb:** I'm sorry, and you are

**Chase:** No one!

**All:** (Blink)

**Chase:** I mean I'm the new guy… yeah.

**All:** Oh-kay…

**Caleb:** Isn't it weird that all of us— minus Sarah because Renny didn't want the fangirls to hate her even more— have hella expressive cars?

**Kate:** Not really, a sixty-thousand dollar H2 and '06 Mustang can be bought by your average 18 year old anywhere right?

**KM:** Yeah there's a bright red Ferrari sitting in my driveway as we speak

**SF:** You're a bitch when you're taken away from your video games aren't you?

**KM:** (Glare)

**SF:** Moving on

**Pogue:** Sarah wants you man

**Caleb:** Lucky me, I'd rather have you

**Renny Harlin: **Alright, which one of you fucked with the script again?

**KM:** (Whistles innocently)

**Sarah:** Like OMG my car won't start

**KM:** Maybe because it's a Volkswagen

**SF:** Or because she's blonde

**Reid:** I'll fix it!

**Caleb: **Reid!

**Reid:** Caleb!

**Caleb:** REID!

**Reid:** CALEB

**Pogue:** Stop it already! Reid go fix the fucking car so the Sarah/Reid shippers can be happy and Caleb sit there and look EMO so the fangirls can make 200 icons from the picture

**Caleb:** Fine

**Reid:** Fine

**Pogue:** Fine

**Reid and Caleb:** Fine!

**Pogue:** (Groans)

**Sarah:** Oh wow, it works, thank you

**Reid:** Whatever. (Moves back to the Hummer.) Move over baby-boy, I'm driving

**Tyler:** Like I'd trust a 60K car in your hands?

**Reid:** 7, 879 slash fans apparently think so

**Reid/Tyler shippers:** Yeah!

**Caleb:** Move over baby boy, now!

**SF:** No sexual innuendo there

_Reid takes control of the H2 and the cops finally show up_

**Reid:** Yee-ha

**Dukes of Hazard Narrator: **Them Ipswich boys are in more trouble then a June bug stuck in molasses. And it looks like thick molasses too

**Caleb:** Dude pull over!

**Reid:** A DUI and resisting arrest aren't going to get you in Harvard Sonny Jim

**KM:** No but it'll get you in Chico State

**SF:** True, true

**Cop #1:** Bunch of kids, like we have anything better to do then chase them around

**Cop #2:** Do we?

**Cop #1:** … No but that's besides the point

_A long and stirring car chase soon is at hands until the boys near a cliff_

**Sons of Ipswich:** CLIFF!

**Reid:** I see it, god.

**Pogue:** Come on Caleb, all four of us need to do it

**Caleb:** Why?

**Renny Harlin: **Because it's in the script now just do it

**Caleb:** Fine

_The four sons turn their eyes dark and the Hummer goes off the cliff._

**Cops:** WTF! (Slams on breaks)

**KM:** Hmm, never thought of that maneuver

**Cop #1:** Okay, I say we write this off as an alcohol related accident

**Cop #2:** Sounds fine to me

_The Hummer magically appears a moment later_

**Sons of Ipswich:** You've just been punk'd.

**Cops:** Son of a bitch!

_**Meanwhile…**_

**Kate:** We must be the last ones in

**SF: **These kids are pussies compared with us; our night doesn't end until class the next morning

**Chase:** Oooh, spider, three-0-clock

**Kate:** OMGWTFBLUEHORSEFEATHERS!

**SF: **(Blinks and turns to KM) translation please

**KM:** Use your imagination

**Kate:** How the hell did that get there?

**Chase:** (Cough)

**Sarah: **See, chivalry isn't dead after all

**SF:** It is around here

**Kate:** Well it just transferred in wrapped in a hot, cushy package

**Chase:** …. Ew, save me

**KM:** Hang on (Writes some Caleb/Chase slash)

**Chase: **Sweat! (Grabs fic and runs away)

**SF:** You have fans everywhere don't you?

**KM:** Can't help it if I'm loved. Now back to work. (Slams laptop closed and jumps back in front of the TV and PS3) Die you Mokai bastards!

**SF: **(Rolls eyes and sighs) Little girls and their video games…

-------------------------

Reviews are greatly appreciated!!!


	4. Chapter 4

Yes I will update TCR sometime soon; I've just been putting it off

**Part 4**

**KM:** (Watching TV) Hot damn that boy is hot

**SF:** Mm-hm, Dane Cook is the very definition of sexy.

**KM**: Hell yeah, look at that ass in those pants

**SF:** Those are some happy Wranglers

**Covenant fangirls:** Um, shouldn't you be getting to work and writing more? (Nudge, nudge)

**KM:** In a minute, eye fucking Dane Cook comes first!

**SF:** Yeah! (Kick)

**Covenant fangirls:** (Grumble, grumble)

_**3 hours later…**_

**KM:** (Is updating the 'Uber Sex Man list') Okay, so we move Gerard up to number 3, Rodrigo get's bumped down to number 5 and Dane Cook gets number 4

**SF:** Sounds about right! The Bostroms are still number 2 and the Goberts stay on the poll

**Covenant fangirls:** Yo!

**SF:** Oi, we're busy!

**Covenant fangirls: **(Throws brick!)

**KM:** FINE YOU WIN!!! (Turns on laptop)

**Covenant fangirls:** When you mess with the fangirl bitches you dead son of a bitches!

**KM:** Stop plagiarizing me dammit! She does it enough already!

**SF: **(Glares)

**Pogue:** (Soft, sultry voice) Thanks for the ride man

**Caleb:** No, _thank you_

**SF:** Are you ever gonna stop dicking around with those two?

**KM:** (Continues writing) Nope

**SF: **(Rolls eyes)

_Caleb walks down a long drive way and a large metal gate closes behind him darkly_

**SF:** Oooh, I do love dark, angst scenes

**KM:** Among other things kink whore

**SF:** (Jack Sparow voice) What did the bird say! (Breaks beer bottle on table)

**KM:** If you kill me where will you get your AMA slash?

**SF:** Dammit (Grumbles)

**KM:** That's what I thought

**Evelyn:** You're home early, it's only midnight

**SF: **Wow, that is early

**Caleb:** Yeah mom it's after midnight, what are you still doing awake?

**Evelyn**: Getting drunk off my ass 'cause my son is almost legal. The fangirls will be all over you like they were for your father. Had to beat them off with a stick I did and then there's the slashers, they don't give a shit if your legal or not

**KM:** Nope

**Caleb:** How many times do I have to tell you, I'm not my father? There's no way in hell I'm ever gonna bang Gorman

**Evelyn:** Yeah, well Gorman was quite a catch 20 years ago

**Gorman:** Hey, I still have it and then some. I just netted a nice young number named…what was your name again?

**Bordy: **Who cares, hardly anyone knows who I am anyway

**Aaron:** Dude, I was next in line to bang Gorman

**SF:** Alright Kos, give me the beer. I'm cutting you off!

**KM:** Too late, I'm already half drunk

**SF:** Oh lord

**Evelyn:** You know these powers you, your friends and the thousands of Mary Sues developed when you turned 13 are NOTHING compared to the new ones you'll get

**Chase: **Oh yeah! They're much better (Wills Caleb to be Horny)

**Caleb:** That's odd, who the hell turned up the heat? Anywho, I'm not gonna turn into my father and throw my life away because some pretty blue-eyed thing bats her eyelashes at me.

**Sarah and Renny:** Oh yes you are!

**Caleb:** Fuck, well might as well enjoy one last night of single hood. (Goes up stairs)

**Chase:** About freakin' time. That 'Horny as fuck' spell takes forever to work!

**Superfriend's narrator: **Meanwhile…

**Sarah:** We're sitting about in our underwear and teddy's, nothing gay or out of the ordinary here

**KM: **'Cause the script was written by men

**Renny:** Hey, the boys walk around half naked too

**KM: **You're forgiven then

**Sarah:** So why are they called "The Sons of Ipswich"?

**Kate: **Hell if I know, Pogue's just a trophy boyfriend

**Renny:** Will the two of you read the &$# script!

_**4 hours later…**_

**Kate:** They're the sons of the first settlers of the original Ipswich colony

**Renny:** Good, it only took 4 $#& hours

**Sarah:** So the whole witch hunting thing was real

**Monty Python townsfolk:** YES! Floats in water and weights less then a duck

**Kate: **I guess, wanna make out?

**Sarah:** (Throws pencil aside) Sure

**Renny:** Who the hell put that in there?

**Male Crew Members:** (Whistles innocently) What, we're bored?

**Sarah:** Fine, I'll go shower then to appease the men

**Male Crew Members:** Code blue! Code blue! (Grabs cameras and fallows Sarah.)

_Meanwhile, at Caleb's house_

**Caleb:** (Lights cigarette) Damn, where the hell did you learn to bend that way?

**Chase:** Ask her (Points at KM) now if you'll excuse me I have a blonde to peep in on

**Caleb:** Fine, I'll just have Pogue come over then, I have a lot of living to do before I have to settle down with Sarah

**Mary Sues:** Screw that bitch, we all want you!

**KM: **How the hell did you all get in here (Grabs shotgun) y'all get back in the cellar where you belong!

**Mary Sues:** Or you'll what?

**KM:** I'll update "Ways to Annoy the Mary Sues" again

**Mary Sues:** (Whimpers) Fine

**Sarah: **You know a small part of me can't help but wonder why they bothered to put bathrooms in our dorms without including showers?

**Provost: **We needed the extra money to keep all of transfer Sues out

**KM:** And a fine job you're doing

**Chase:** Can someone please explain to me WHY I had to stop screwing Caleb and watch this whore?

**Renny:** I'll bring in a Sue if you'd prefer that

**Chase:** NOOOO!!!

**Renny:** Then make with the fog witch boy

**Chase:** (Sigh) I get no respect

**KM:** Ah-hm!

**Chase:** Expect from you, you let me bang Caleb

**KM:** And you do it sooo well

**SF:** Seriously girl, where the hell is alcohol stash of yours?

**KM:** Arg, I will never reveal where my booty is buried

**SF:** It's in the Mustang isn't it?

**KM:** Dammit! (Runs off to re-hide stash)

**SF:** (Turns TV back on) Mr. Cook, you are all mine

-------------------------------

Hopefully it's still funny. And yeah, most of these start off at my place because everyone keeps asking me what my humor planning sessions are like. These are pretty much it people.

And I'm too hung-over to double check spelling and what not. Any errors or what not please let me know.


	5. Chapter 5

Update, woo!

* * *

**Part 5**

_Kos's apartment 5:00 pm_

**Kos-Mos607:** (Watching Planet Terror) Anit Robert's movies the best?

**SilverFox02:** (Reading slash on Kos's laptop and not paying attention) Uh-huh

**KM:** Seriously, where does he come up with his ideas, he's a genius

**SF:** Mm-hm, whatever you say Kos

_**Dr. Dakota Block:**__ Hi, Joe. I'm going to give you a very strong anesthetic, so you won't feel anything during the procedure. These... (pats the needles in her shirt pocket) ...are my friends. My yellow friend is to take the sting off. (injects Joe in the arm with the yellow needle) My blue friend you'll barely feel. (injects Joe in the arm with the blue needle) That means my yellow friend is already taking effect. See how fast my friends work? (injects Joe in the arm with the red needle) And after my red-headed friend, you'll never see me again._

_(Joe slobbers over himself and passes out)_

**KM:** OMG, that's freakin' genius! Can you believe he based that off an ACTUAL doctor? Genius!

**SF: **(Continues reading) You don't say…

**KM:** And the fight scene at the Hospital, the sequence and the lighting was perfect—

**SF:** And she's off ladies and gentlemen

**KM:** I mean what more could you want from a director? Robert writes his own scripts, composes the music for his own movies, does stunts for most of his actors—

**SF:** This anit gonna stop anytime soon

**KM:** And he's totally H-O-T, not to mention that's an ass that screams 'smack me'

**SF:** (Continues reading AMA porn) Yes hon, we know

**Random Covenant Fangirl:** I want an update! Update! Update!

**KM:** (Ears twitch)

**SF:** Uh-oh

**Random Covenant Fangirl:** Will you update already?

**SF:** Hey, DO NOT interrupt her when she's watching one of Robert's movies

**Random Covenant Fangirl:** Why?

**KM:** Who the hell's talking?

**SF:** No one honey, why don't you put Robert's interview back on?

**KM:** (wary look) Oh-kay, I could've sworn I heard—

**SF:** You didn't!

**Random Covenant Fangirl:** I want an update!

**SF:** Girl if you wanna live long enough to see an update you'll hush

**Random Covenant Fangirl: **Why?

**KM:** (Looks around) Ah-ha! Found you!

**SF:** Because—

**Random Covenant Fangirl:** Oh for crying out loud, I've been waiting for over a freakin' week. I want an up— (is silence by a flying chair)

**KM:** Didn't you read the fucking sign? Never interrupt the bitch when she's watching a Robert Rodriguez movie

**Bodey:** Yawn, whine (why do you think I'm way the hell back here?)

**Random Covenant Fangirl:** Ow, WTF! (runs away)

**KM:** You don't think I was too mean do you?

**SF:** My question is where the hell that chair came from

_Planet Terror ends about an hour later and after watching it again three more times plus Death Proof, Sin City, Hostel 1and 2 and the entire 1__st__ season of Supernatural—_

**KM:** Hey, I'm in college. I have procrastination down to an art form! Plus I was kind of distracted by hot boys

_-Kos decides to get some work done. The Covenant is soon turned back on._

**Caleb:** I'm telling ya man, some weird shit is going down around here

**Pogue:** What makes you think that? Considering what the fangirls make us go through in their fics, this is as normal as we can get

**Caleb:** I know but still, that freakin' Darkling was like, looking at me and watching me sleep and do, uh, stuff…

**Pogue:** (long pause) What kind of stuff?

**Caleb:** Uh you know… the normal stuff 17 year olds do in their bedrooms…

**Pogue:** …

**SF:** …is this your dirty mind at work here or mine? I can't tell anymore

**KM:** Yours 'cause mine is currently banging Robert along with the boys from Supernatural

**SF:** Figures…

**Caleb:** I don't know man, sure this is natural? I mean I know I'm suppose to like girls and all but I can't stop thinking about guys while I do it and—

**Darkling:** You sure got a purdy mouth there boy

**Caleb:** Holy crap!

_The Mustang swerves and pulls in front of a nearby eighteen wheel_

**Truck Driver:** (Is on his cell phone like 99.9 percent of all Americans who get in car accidents are) No honey, I'm not drunk. I'm on my way home with the company car and—

_The Mustang plows head first into the big ass truck and the audience is dazzled by a sequence of kick ass CGI bits._

**KM:** Oooh, pretty colors

**SF:** (Continues reading AMA Smut) Why does Eric always bottom in your fics? I mean, can't Anthony rid him for once? (Looks up) Gee, that's a flashback.

**KM:** No kidding. That's a sight I didn't wanna relive so soon

_The Mustang is soon reassembled and Caleb appears magically unharmed, hot and sweaty but other wise okay_

**Truck Driver:** You goddamn kids!

**Caleb:** Holy Shit, I kick ass

**Pogue:** Yo!

**Caleb:** Holy crap man, that fucking darkling is stalking me! I don't need another stalker; I have over a hundred of them that have fake boobs and act like Reid

**Pogue:** Yeah me too, it's freakin' annoying, we should like, so something about it

**Caleb:** Kay we will, call Reid and Tyler and mull it over

**Pogue:** Good. Now I have to leave before Kos realizes I'm not busy and writes more junk about me

**KM:** Is that Pogue?

**Pogue:** Fuck! (Hangs up!)

_Meanwhile in the town. Three teens walk down the street that look EXACTLY like Sarah, Kate and Chase but are wearing different clothing. WTF!_

**Pharmacist:** (Hands Caleb a bag of pills despite the fact that Caleb is a minor and those pills will fetch a fortune on the black market) Here you are Caleb, you bag of Foreshadowing.

**Caleb:** Thank you

**Kate:** Hey Caleb

**Caleb:** Holy fuck, why won't you Sues leave me alone— oh, hey Kate!

**Kate:** Did you here about the dead kid; OMG and I thought nothing ever interesting happens at this damn school

**MarySue writers:** We'll change that

**KM:** (Loads shotgun with rock salt) Oh no you won't

**MarySue Writers:** But wait, we have an actual plot this time

**KM:** (Raises eyebrow wearily)

**MarySue Writers:** Oh-Kay, we'll go back to the Supernatural fandom

**Animegirl1129:** (Hold up her own shotgun and cocks it) The hell you will!

**Caleb: **(Nervous twitch) Something wicked this way comes

**Sarah:** Hi Caleb!

**KM:** Wow, you're good

**Caleb: **Dammit. How does she find me?

**Chase:** Boo!

**Kate:** Chase stop flirting with Caleb and ignoring me!

**Chase:** But you HAVE a boyfriend

**Kate:** So, I'm also an attention whore in case you haven't noticed

**KM:** Believe me, we have

**Chase:** Fine. I'll go sit through a bloody chick flick with you but it won't your ass I'm picturing in my mind when I grab it (Sly wink at Caleb)

**Caleb:** Oh-Kay

**Sarah:** Mind if I tag along with you since I'm supposed to be your cannon love interest?

**Everyone and their mother:** Yes!

**Caleb:** Uh, sure. Why the hell not?

_The scene shifts to a lovely forest, the most romantic and perfect spot to take a girl for a date…or kill her, any case I'm just throwing it out there_

**Sarah:** Did the narrorator say something?

…_Anyway, Sarah admires the scenery_

**Sarah:** OMG this place is soooo beautiful (Complete tree-orgasm)

**Caleb: **That's the old Putnum Barn over yonder where the movie will end and if that crazy bitch has her way, I'll be possessed by Chase, My Father and some dark entity yet to be named

**KM:** (Blink) You hacked into my computer didn't you? I outa shoot your ass for giving out spoilers

**Caleb:** (Nervous cough) Um, so what brings you to Spencer?

**Sarah:** The same as all the MarySues, I wanna bang a Son Of Ipswich and I wanna go to Harvard

**KM:** Yeah, I'm sure you have the grades for all that as well

**Caleb:** My father was class of '81

**Sarah:** Really? The fruit don't fall far from the tree I see

_Caleb parks outside a dark and mysterious house_

**Sarah:** Now where are we?

**Caleb:** My family's first colony house

**Sarah:** Someone lives here?

**Caleb:** Just the hardest working pimp in all of fan fiction

**Sarah:** A Pimp Named Slick Back?

**Caleb:** No

**A Pimp Named Slick Back: **I can't be everywhere at once bitch. Deal with it.

**KM:** How'd your ass get back in here? (Reaches for shotgun only to realize it's gone) Uh, where'd Mr. bangbang go?

**Gorman:** Death to the MarySue, Viva La Slash (Fires gun) You won't take me alive dammit!

**KM:** Ah, there it is

**Sarah:** (Screams)

**Caleb:** Gorman calm down, she's not a Sue

**Gorman:** Yes she is! Fake boobs, blond hair, acts like Reid!

**Caleb:** She's not!

**Sues:** Yeah, Kos-Mos is around so we're all hiding and flaming everyone

**Gorman:** Okay, you can have your gun back then

**KM:** Keep it; I have a whole safe full

**SF:** And the sad thing is she's not kidding. It's over there in the corner

**Gorman:** Caleb, you should be more careful. They can't come back here again, not after the last time. I never thought I'd see the sun again

**Narrorater:** For a full history of this event, please read **orene treke**'s_Attack of the Mary Sues_.

**MS Writers:** No! Boo!

**KM:** Shaddup!

**SF:** Booing it doesn't make it any less true, I'm sorry

**Caleb:** It won't happen again Gorman, I promise.

**Gorman:** It had better not; they took my pimp cane for crying out loud. MY PIMP CANE!!

**KM:** Those bitches

**Caleb:** It'll be okay Gorman. Here's _his_ stuff anything else he needs

**Gorman:** You know it won't kill you to call him 'Father' for once, after all the shit he's done for you—

**Renny:** Stop tossing out spoilers!

**KM:** Yeah!

**William:** (Finger twitches)

**Caleb:** Anyway, I should be going and what not—

**Gorman: **Yes, yes whatever (Shoves Caleb out the door and opens the pharmacy bag.) Hot damn he got the Viagra!

**William:** Yay! (Turns racy music on) Come 'mere you.

**Gorman: **Tee-hee

**KM:** Holy hell! Moving on

**Gorman: **You know you wanna watch

**KM:** Silence or I'll tip off the Sues where you are

**William: **Oh great, thank you. I won't get it up for a year now!

**Gorman:** Goddammit! You know, Caleb's sure grown up

**William:** (Glare)

**Gorman:** What, it's a harmless observation

**William:** That you made about my son!

**Gorman:** Crap (Runs away)

_Outside…_

**Caleb:** Okay, you need anything before we go to Nicky's?

**Sarah:** What's Nicky's?

**Caleb: **(Evil grin)

* * *

I blame the Vodka/Red Bull for the dumbness in this chapter…and the spelling errors. I'm too drunk to check again 

And a big thank you to orene treke and Animegirl1129 for being good sports and letting me drag them into this mess. Love y'all

BTW, did anyone watch Spike TV's Scream Awards? Robert and Quentin Tarantino won best director for Grindhouse. Wooohooo!


	6. Chapter 6

Sorry for the long ass wait, I finally have free time now

* * *

**Part 6**

**Kos-Mos:** (Playing Assassin's Creed and humming "Mission Impossible.)

**Silver Fox:** (Rolls eyes) Must you do that EVERYTIME that guy has to climb up a wall?

**KM:** Yes. Do I criticize your gaming ability, or lack of one?

**SF:** No, you just scream your head off and yell "Press X, press X" when I almost die

**KM:** But do you listen to me? No

**SF:** (Rolls eyes) Whatever, no more "Mission Impossible," or I'm throwing the remote at your head

**KM:** Empty threat because you've already done it bitch, it's on the floor over there. (hums another tune)

**SF:** No "Iron Man" either!

**KM:** Oh, go watch some porn or something so you're in a less bitchy mood.

**SF:** Fine, I will (Turns The Covenant back on)

**KM:** That's not the kind of porn I meant.

_Pogue enters Nicky's and sees Chase fondling/sitting with Caleb, Sarah and Kate_

**Pogue:** (growls)

**Kate:** Oh, hey, baby. I missed you; I totally wasn't fondling Chase while thinking of you during the movie. I swear

**Pogue:** Uh-huh, whatever. (Takes jacket off)

**Fangirls:** (scream and die happily.)

**Chase:** (Glares and takes his sweater off too)

**Fangilrs:** (silence.)

**Chase:** Oh come on, I'm ripped too

**KM:** Yeah but Taylor has that lovely, _tight_ black shirt on

**SF:** Abs, it's what separates the boys from the M-E-N

**Chase:** What are talking about, I'm totally ripped. (Fully takes shirt off)

**KM:** Whoa…Daaaaaamn.

**SF:** (puts glasses on and stares for a long moment) Eh, Taylor's is better

**KM:** Not to mention he's got a rear end that I'd like to back into

**Caleb:** (completely oblivious to all the sexual tension in the room around him)

**Pogue:** God, could I use 100 bears right now (gets up and leaves the table)

**KM:** You know, I hate to see him leave—

**SF:** But I love to watch him go.

**Caleb:** Yep, me too.

**All:** "…."

**Caleb:** Uh…I mean, I like boobs. Boobs are what I like.

**All:** …. Oh-Kay

**Pogue:** I need a 100 bears. Yeah, exactly 100, 100 will do.

**Nathan Explosion:** (Glares)

**Nicky:** You over 21?

**Pogue:** No.

**Nicky:** Then I can't serve you.

**Pogue:** (waves his hand) I'm over 21.

**Nicky:** (dazed) You're over 21.

**Pogue:** I'm a friend of Dave Navaro's.

**Nicky:** You're a friend of Dave Navaro's.

**Pogue: **That'll do Pig. (Sees Reid and Tyler in the distance) Uh-oh, that's a slash fan's dream over there.

**KM:** And my dream is complete now that you're heading over there. All we need is Caleb and Chase and –

**Pogue:** (Glare)

**KM:** Or not.

**Tyler:** Reid you're aiming wrong, you'll never get into the hole this way.

**Reid:** Really? That's what you said last night, Baby Boy.

**Fangirls:** Ooooooooh!

**Pogue:** You two finally screwing yet?

**Reid/Tyler Shippers:** No, but we're working on it.

**KM:** Bless you, my dears.

**Reid:** NO! Psssh. I'm totally straight you know.

**All:** "………………"

**Reid:** I am!

**All:** Riiiiight.

**Reid:** I'll prove it. Look over there; it's one of those 16-year-old attention whores. This will prove I'm straight. (Slams money down on the table.) Blue, cotton.

**Tyler:** Black Thong…

**Reid:** (blushes and pulls the back of his pants up.)

**Tyler:** Uh, I mean, pink lace.

**Pogue:** You know, there's really no shame in it. You two are almost cannon nowadays.

**Reid:** Shut it! (Flips the whore's skirt with his powers)

**Attention/sex whore:** Wow, it's not even midnight yet, teehee.

**Pogue:** Right, that was a sight I didn't need to see. (Leaves the pool table)

**Reid:** Well he's gone…..wanna make out?

**Tyler:** On the pool table? Reid that's soooooo predictable.

**Reid/Tyler shippers:** And it's been done a thousand-and-one times.

**Reid:** Okay… how about the hood of the H2?

**Tyler:** Sounds kinky.

**Reid/Tyler shippers:** We'll meet you out there (runs away grabbing cameras.)

_Meanwhile…on the other side of the bar…_

**Pogue:** (stares at Chase flirting with Caleb and pouts)

**Caleb:** So, you're a swimmer?

**Chase:** Yeah, that's where these muscles came from. I'm so totally ripped man, I should show you sometime.

**Caleb:** (perks an eyebrow) Really?

**Pogue:** Am I interrupting something here? (Shoves Chase out of the way)

**Chase:** Bitch.

**Pogue:** (completely ignores him) So Caleb. You are Sarah serious?

**Chase:** Yeah, (leans closer) are you?

**Caleb:** Uh…

**Sarah:** OMG, lik theyr moving in on mi mn. (Grabs Caleb's hand and drags him away.) He's mine, bitches.

**Chase and Pogue:** F&!!

**KM:** What in the F& name of Odin?

**Covenant fans: **We'll see about that (pulls out notebooks and computers)

**Sarah:** Like, I'm totally not being a whore. The rubbing is totally G rated

**Caleb:** Do you hear me complaining?

**Pogue:** (is hurt)

**Chase:** I have boobs, too, you know.

**Aaron:** God damn it, why is everyone being shipped with the boys except me? Grrr.

**Reid:** Cause dude, no one likes you.

**Tyler:** And you're a dick.

**All:** TYLER!?

**Tyler:** What, you heard me. Reid isn't the only hardcore one around here. (Snaps fingers)

**Reid:** Gawd, I'm so hot for you right now, baby boy.

**Aaron: **Damn it, why won't the slashers notice me! (shoves Reid)

**Reid:** Bitch, hold my earrings, its O-N!

**Caleb:** Oh, for crying out loud! What does it take to get laid around here? (Grabs jacket and follows Reid, Tyler, and Aaron outside.) Damn it Aaron, this is the worst way to get the fangirls to notice you!

**Fangirls:** Yeah!

**Aaron/Reid shippers:** Oh, but he is fun to work with…

**Aaron:** You know what? Screw you guys, I'm going back to Blood Ties (leaves)

**Caleb:** (turns towards Reid) Dude, you, and Tyler need to learn a little restraint.

**Tyler:** Me?

**Reid: **Dude, your angst is showing.

**Caleb:** Dude STFU! (Shoves Reid)

**Reid:** (turns his eyes black and grabs Caleb's arm…painfully.)

**Caleb/Reid shippers:** OMG, they're holding hands.

**Caleb:** Let go.

**Reid:** No.

**Caleb:** (Turns his own eyes black and whoops Reid's ass) Grrr. Caleb mad. Caleb smash.

_Reid and Caleb engage in a nice little fight…but no matter how hard they try or manly they throw their shoulders, they still fight like sissies!_

**Tyler:** Uh, Pogue, they're getting pretty serious. Shouldn't we do something?

**Pogue:** Probably.

**Tyler:** Are we?

**Pogue:** Nope.

**KM:** It's nice to see you're not the grudge holding type.

_Caleb and Reid battle like sissies late into the night. The scene changes to when Caleb takes Sarah home._

**Sarah:** Wow, I'm like soooo drunk right now. I don't know if I could make it all the way up to my room by myself.

**Caleb:** (completely oblivious) I'm sure the school has hall monitors.

**Sarah:** (growing annoyed) Well thanks for tonight; I had a _really_ great time.

**Caleb:** Happy to hear it.

**Sarah:** God you're a moron! I wanna, fuck damn it.

**Caleb:** Wow, uh… it's a little early in the movie for that don't you think?

**Sarah:** Hell no, have you seen the man stock at this school. Damn

**SF:** Yeah, there really is no other word for it.

**Caleb:** Well, if you insist.

_Caleb and Sarah start making out passionately and the screams of terror and the groans of the slash fans echo in the distance. However, Remy likes to appease the slash fans… the scene shifts to Caleb sleeping half-naked._

**Fangirls:** Now THAT's more like it.

**KM:** I need me a beer now.

_Caleb lightly stirs in his sleep and opens his eyes to see that the darkling is once again in his room._

**Caleb:** OMG WTF! I'm like totally naked!

**SF:** Move the sheet! Move the sheet!

**Darkling:** (singing in an annoying high-pitched voice) God is watching everything you do. When you take a drive or a shower and when you touch yourself for hour after hour…

**Caleb:** (Horrified look)

**Darkling: **God is watching everything you do (disappears)

**KM:** Damn, stalker much?


End file.
